debilitating emotions

It’s crazy to me how often emotions can completely become paralyzing.  I hate how emotions like fear and uncertainty even lead me to doubt and not trust the Lord.  Also when relationships with others aren’t completely right it seems as if there is this fog over everything else… oh wait, yeah, that sounds familiar, especially when it comes to my relationship with Christ.

The past two weeks just have been rough emotionally.  I have my interview tomorrow at Covenant to teach 9th grade Bible.  The confidence that I had in the fact that I could get it and God will equip me and wherever I’m inadequate He will be more than sufficient, is gone.  Learning how to be in relationship with someone for the first time is hard, really hard.  I feel like I totally suck at that one.  My mom is in Japan visiting family, and I miss her alot.  Being in Charlottesville without a steady job or without being a Fellow anymore is weird.  Oh goodness I miss camp.  It’s funny because I didn’t think that I would miss it as much as I really do.  I miss my friends.  Melissa, Kenny, Matty, Breza, Allie, Elisa, Amanda.  It sucks soooo much.

I guess I just feel really alone right now.  I know, I know, I’m not truly alone.  But it’s hard when that isn’t right either.  I just feel like I’m taking up space.  I hate it.  Blah blah blah, I know this will pass.  But it’s just hard right now.

Lord give me the strength for today and a hope for tomorrow.

Imagination

While I was driving back to Cville today, I was thinking about a lot of things all at once.  I listened to this Bethany Dillon song and it kind of just brought back into focus some things in my life that I may have forgotten or just not paid much attention to.  It made me cry, so I obviously have some things going on that need to be worked out and need to be transformed by grace…

I need to be reminded of who I was
When I took my first steps out the door
All I said now follows me around
I’m reminded I’m not like that anymore

I uprooted and miles behind me
Are the faces and the home I love
You’ve brought to my attention
I’m slowly changing and becoming
What I wanted to stop

Isn’t that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I’m at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

The bush before me, I slip my sandals off
I only stopped to look
In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm
I run, I run from you

Isn’t that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I’m at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

So remind me why you woke me up
And why you wake me every morn
The staff in my hand
Held in by your love
Just stay close, stay close

Because I know my own mind
I set out with righteous indignation
But when I’m at your feet
Please look at me with some imagination
With some imagination

making my lungs pink

well kids, the Fellows program is officially over.  9 months of crazy scheduled life…done.

well, sorta.

Technically it is done and over with for the 5th class of Trinity Fellows, but the time that it is going to take to be able to process everything that has gone on these past 9 months is probably going to be endless.  Though I feel like I’ve learned so much about the gospel, scripture, the role of the church, the way I see the world and endless other things (which I can place no value on at all)…sometimes I feel like I’m sort of in the same place that I was a year ago.

The Fellows Program has a lot of little phrases that they use to describe what the year will look like:

“It’s like drinking out of a firehose”

“These 9 months will be a sprint to make your lungs pink for the marathon of life that lies ahead”

…how about them apples huh.  Well though I feel more equipped in being thoughtful about things, I’m not so sure if I feel any more equipped for making decisions in my life as to what I’m supposed to do, where God wants me or anything like that.  I know I know, just trust in God’s plan for me.  Which I’m doing much better at not freaking out or worrying my face off, but I still feel like I did at the end of my senior year.  What am I supposed to do in the fall?  Where is my life headed?  I’m not going to lie, but I came into this year thinking that I would know what I wanted to do and what I was supposed to do at the end of the program…apparently that was silly of me to assume that.

I do feel like I’m handling the worrying over those big decision better though…or I guess I should say that I’m casting more of those worries off of myself and onto Christ…which is a big difference from last year.  Where at the drop of a hat I would be bawling in 5 seconds over what to do with my life.

One of the things that I really do trust in is the fact that God is continually working in me and the times when its ridiculously rough are the times that I have to remember that sanctification is a looooooong process.  The refiner’s fire hurts.  But in the end it is a beautiful process and I’m learning to keep trusting in that.

a lil better atmostphere at work

someone really sweet sent me these today…def makes my lil cubicle more enjoyable…and definitely smell better

vom status

Ok, so my belly really hurts…probably because when I’m stressed, that’s where my stress goes.

Alot has happened in the past 3 days or so.  Friday we took our last exam for the Fellows program…and probably my last exam ever in my life.  It was pretty rough.  Though I’m really glad that I learned so much about inaugurated eschatology, dispensationalism, reformed theology, pre/a/postmillennialism, etc etc…(so verbose I know blegh)  I’ll be glad to not feel like my brain is going to explode.  I appreciated the classes so much and that it taught me to be more of a “thoughtful Christian” as the program likes to call it, and that I know more deeply in my head about the history and context of scripture.  However, I am looking forward to exploring more of Jesus as the Lover of my soul and more about my heart.  It’s been a little dry, so I’m looking forward to that.

Anyways, so that was on Friday.  Saturday was a great day being able to have a phone that works, and enjoying the company of Dorothy and Rose.  We laid in a park talking, had silly times shopping, and had an amazing dinner at a Japanese steakhouse…woot!  It was SUCH A GREAT DAY!  not having to worry about studying, having to be somewhere, or having to do something.  Not having a schedule that day was absolutely glorious…not to mention the really sweet glasses we got to keep from the steakhouse…try drinking out of the belly of a sumo…it’s glorious!

Sunday, the Fellows were commissioned in front of the church.  They prayed for us in both services and it was really special.  I also found a letter in the mail from The Covenant School…

They appreciated me applying, and my application is going to be put on “active status” for a year.  Which I guess means, if something opens up that I meet qualifications for, they’ll let me know.  I’m not going to lie, I was discouraged by the letter, not as discouraged as I thought I was going to be though.  I was really glad that I manned up and applied.  But it was still hard. 

So now my belly is like…ok what are we going to do? 

This morning I told Josh about the whole Covenant thing and where that puts me.  I’m still coaching in the fall, but I don’t know what else I’m going to do and need to figure that out.  I’m trying really hard not to worry and rely and trust in the fact that God knows what’s going on even though I don’t.  And the fact that he knows should give me comfort, but it still is hard sometimes.  Josh was talking to his friend Katie who works at a private Christian school in Philly…who is looking for teachers…she’s going to contact me…

::insert stress in belly::

What if I moved to Philly?  It’s funny because I was toying with the idea in the fall.  But then dropped it.  But what if I really did?…I really want to coach at Covenant, and I did make a commitment, but I haven’t filled out any paperwork yet.  I met with the head coach whom I really like…and talked with the Athletic Director this morning about paperwork and background checks.  I’m not a huge fan of Philly…but…Melissa is there, Yuki is there, Zen is probably going to be there, I’m closer to a large majority of my friends living in eastern PA (Elisa, Breza, Beth, Spencer, Emily, Jon, etc), I’m still equi-distant from my parents and my friends in DC… I don’t know.  I need to pray a lot about this, and need a lot of prayer as well.

I really don’t know what to do.  I feel like I’m going to vom right now with all these decisions and possibilities.  What if I don’t stay in Charlottesville?  What will happen if I do?  I don’t know.  I need the Lord to help me to not worry about tomorrow, for today will worry about itself…help me not to worry about it because I know that He has me.

the finish line is in sight…despite the boulder of an exam

We are almost done with the Fellows Program.  After our New Testament class’ final on Friday, there will be 3 days of work left and a week at the Outer Banks.  Crazy how fast/long it’s gone by…

I finally grew a set

Well…not literally, but figuratively and spiritually…while still maintaining my femininity…Josh is thankful for that. 

I had been toying/meditating with the idea of teaching.  But had always wondered how I would go about it considering that I do not have a degree in education…I felt like my own musical number from ‘Avenue Q’…instead of “What do you do with a BA in English”…it was international politics.  Ohhh liberal arts, how you make it so much easier on us in college, til we get slapped in the face afterwards when there is little we can do with our degrees without going to grad school or 15 years of previous experience…wonderful!

Well anyways…little ranty there…oops!  There is a school in Charlottesville called ‘The Covenant School.’  From the name, you can probably assume…we all know what happens when you assume…but you’re most likely right…it’s a private Christian school.  My host brother John, and a lot of the kids in youth group go to Covenant.  The nice thing about private schools is that they don’t require you to have a teaching certificate…::fist pump:: 

I had been thinking about applying there since…um…January.  However, there was the little voice that kept telling me, “you’re not going to get it” “you’re not qualified” “why would they hire you over someone else?”  The crappy thing is that I actually listened to that little voice for a while.  I let it get to me and paralyze me…I also let myself procrastinate on turning in all the papers. 

After praying about it, and having Jesus help me dropkick that voice in the larynx…I manned up, put some final touches on my resume and cover letter, finished the 8 page application (phew) and sent that fatty of an envelope in the mail today.  It’s all in Jesus’ hands now.  I’m already going to be coaching JV girls’ volleyball and assistant coaching Varsity in the fall, which I am super pumped about.  The possibility of working at Covenant makes me excited too.  There’s a lot of kids at Covenant that could care less about Jesus because their parents didn’t want to send them to public school, they just don’t have a relationship with him at all, or they’ve become complacent in their faith.  I’m excited to shake things up a bit for the kingdom if it’s where God wants me.

I’m mad that I let Satan get to me in the form of that little voice depreciating my worth, which is in Christ alone.  I give this situation to Jesus.  I put myself out there.  Wherever the Lord wants me He will have me, because that’s where I want to be.  We’ll see what happens…

I encourage you to ‘grow a set’ in faith!

miss this face…and these legs ;)

::sigh::

legs for days, she hates pants…what can I say?

I love her for it

::gasp::

I believe hell froze over today….

I don’t know what made me do it…

I promised myself that I wouldn’t do it…

I haven’t done it since the 5th grade…

 

I wore leggings today…I look kinda cute…but hang my head in shame as well.

Everyday

“Everyday” - This Providence

Everyday I wake up and hear you whisper my name,
Maybe breathe a little prayer but it just ain’t the same,
Ignoring every word you say,
Every word when you tell me.

Whoa be still,
Just stay still,
Whoa be still,
But oh God.

Everybody’s got something for me to do,
And my head’s filled with thoughts of everything but you,
‘Cause I never listen to anything you say,
And I fall in submission to everything but you everyday.

I go to your house and fall on my knees,
The very next morning and cry out please,
Would you take this life I call my own?
Would you let your house become my home?

Whoa be still,
Just stay still,
Whoa be still,
Oh Jesus.

Everybody’s got something for me to do,
And my head’s filled with thoughts of everything but you,
‘Cause I never listen to anyything you say,
And I fall in submission to everything but you everyday, yeah.

Everyday, everyday, everyday

Everybody’s got something for me to do,
And my head’s filled with thoughts of everything but you,
‘Cause I never listen to anything you say,
And I fall in submission to everything but you everyday.