no man’s land

sometimes I feel:

not worth the risk of losing

…but not worth having

a place where no one really wants to be

yesterday morning

Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down
Getting out of bed never felt so difficult before
Every step she took led to the wrong direction
And she never made it out her door

Yesterday morning Jamie yielded to all she hates
But if she despises it so much why did she give in
Seems like this battle just can’t be won
And she’s stuck there alone again.

She said I’m so sick of this stumble, stumble that I’ve been calling a walk
And so I’m tired of the mumble, mumble that I’ve described as a talk
And now I guess its time I lose myself
To the one who found me here, who found me here

Yesterday morning every part of her just shut down
and All that she knew or thought she knew flew out the door
Things she loves so easily forgotten
Now Jamie can’t love no more

She said I’m so sick of this stumble, stumble that I’ve been calling a walk
And so I’m tired of the mumble, mumble that I’ve described as a talk
And now I guess its time I lose myself
To the one who found me here
Found me here, found me, found me here

June 2010… :)

Lord providing

beyond blessed

excerpts from TK

We are doing a Tim Keller study on prayer for our Bible study.  here are some excerpts of what we went over and what we are going over this week…what if we really prayed like this?  what if we really thought like this?…

” “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19

This is a perplexing prayer from one perspective.  Paul is praying Christians, who by definition are people who already have Christ dwelling within them!  And surely all Christians know Christ loves them, or they wouldn’t have saving faith.  Not only that, but all Christians have the fullness of God dwelling in them.  So what is Paul asking for?

Just as it is one thing to have a bank account and another to draw on it, so it is one thing to have God as Father and Jesus as Lover and another thing to draw on that and actually experience it – to be actually shaped by it in the depth of your emotional life and in the breadth of your life out in the world.  Paul wants us not to just believe that the full glory and greatness of God is within us, but to actually sense the glory, to be overwhelmed and filled with it.  He is praying that we would grasp the truth of who and what Christ is until it becomes much more than a rational proposition.  He wants us to come under its power so that it affects us from the inside out.  For example, do you know God loves you?  If you do, why do you get so inconsolable when others criticize you?  When the truth of God’s love for you really “catches fire”, when the truth about God’s love gets big – when it disturbs and comforts and thrills you – then you will find that criticism doesn’t harm you as it did before.  The truth has descended into the heart.  That is what Paul is praying for.  “

do we let this truth penetrate every aspect of our lives?  that we are loved by God?  do we ever doubt this?…if we do, why do we doubt it?  if we don’t doubt it, how often do we forget it?

i’m going to hopefully be more diligent on remembering what disturbs, comforts, and thrills me

black holes and revelations/ moment of surrender

U2 and Muse came to Cville…amazing!  Rose and I had a great time.  At one point in the show, though it may sound heretical…but it felt like a foretaste of the kingdom to come.  There were 60,000 people at the show.  Bono started singing “Amazing Grace.”  Everyone started singing too.  It felt like a small glimpse of when we all will be worshipping the Lord and instead of Bono leading it…Jesus!

crumbs of summer

I realized it’s September.  The last time I wrote was May.  Crazy how by May it seemed as if summer was so far away though I only had a few weeks before it started.  Now my summer is over and I’m a week and a half into school.

man.

I was reminded of summer when Rose bought a couch from Circa. It was a sweet black leather couch for our new living room.  It was a used couch, but it was new for us.  I had to vacuum the cushions with my handy dandy Dirt Devil.  Though it was slightly gross…there were crumbs and remnants left from the previous owners in the cracks and crevices.  Paper clips, pennies, crumbs, a couple of blue corn tortilla chips.  Small bits and pieces leftover from previous bigger significant things.

It doesn’t mean that they are any less important.  They are reminders of what was once there.

crumbs of my summer:

-Hungary stickers and the present I got from Peti

-my bracelet I got at Caterina in Nicaragua…and also the lovely sickness I had for 3 weeks after I returned

-the email of my maid-of-honor speech for my best friend’s wedding

-my sister kicking me while she was sleeping when she came to Cville to help me coach a volleyball camp

-laughing with Zen when he came to Cville for 2 weeks

-hugs from the beautiful Nicaraguan children

-meaningful conversations with the Hungarians

-stamps in my passport

-a new house and roommates

-advice from my dad on being an adult and making my own decisions

-memories and stories

-God moving

-changes

we’ll see what crumbs will come from this new year to come

captivity

I feel like there is so much to write, I don’t even know where to start…let’s try this:

sin sucks

It is so engulfing. dark. consuming. secretive. embarassing.

shameful

why is it that when we sin…well at least when I sin, it seems as if the little voice keeps saying the same things over and over…”if only other people knew how dirty and messed up you really are…you can’t let other people know that you’re still struggling with this…you may really be crazy…if you were just strong enough you could fix this…

and then there’s the tough one “if you just prayed enough and loved Jesus enough, He will fix you”

well, here I sit 7 years later.  still held captive.  still reaching for redemption.

well, I guess I can’t say that I’m completely held captive.  I have experienced growth and freedom.  it’s just hard.  I know that in the end my victory is in Christ, but I’m not going to lie…Satan puts up one heck of a fight.

the lies we hear from others.  the lies we tell ourselves.  the downward spiral of shame.

what I really need is the Gospel.  I need to let it permeate everything in my life.  every part of my being.  daily.  I need to focus on the “Gospel of the Present.”

Gospel of the past – Jesus died for my sins.  as an atonement.  was resurrected to glorify himself and to bring new life.

Gospel of the future – Jesus will come again.  will restore everything.

Gospel of the present -Jesus is at work right now.  working out the sanctification of those who follow him.

Jesus is working in me now though I may not see it.  or though I tend to get in the way.  I need Jesus daily.  all the time.

instead of being held captive by my sin and struggles.  I need to be captivated by the Gospel.  but also know that I can’t do it.  Christ help me.

windy city redemption

I went to Chicago two weeks ago as a chaperone.  The kids were going to a ModelUN conference.  It was an…interesting trip.

We took the train from Charlottesville to Chicago.  That is one heck of a train ride let me tell you.  I figured I would bring tons of papers to check for the ride up because it was going to take about 21 hours.  Well…on the train ride up and back I checked 2 papers…out of about 70.  But it was totally worth it because instead of sitting in my seat and doing work, I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with kids almost the whole time.  We arrived in Chicago, checked into the hotel, had a great lunch, had a relaxing afternoon and the students got ready to go to committee.  I got to have dinner with one of my good friends from camp.  It was a great first day…

…late that night/extremely early the next morning, a series of events happened that made me feel like I was caught in some kind of dream…or nightmare if you will.  A couple students made some really bad decisions that led to panic, which led to more bad decisions.  The course of events that night will have lasting consequences and repercussions. 

I do not know if it is ironic or not that probably the most tears came from the chaperones rather than the students.

Through the course of events, some students that were not directly involved with the situation were treated unjustly. 

I know I am not being clear about what happened, but I can be clear as to some of the things that I learned throughout the whole trip:

• we live in a world that does not show grace and mercy often, but thank you Jesus (literally) that we serve a God that does show grace and mercy often.  in fact it is renewed every morning though we so do not deserve it at all
• redemption is a beautiful thing.  though the beginning of the trip was awful, God totally redeemed the rest of the trip.  I got to spend time with some kids that had what transpired not happen, I wouldn’t have had that amazing opportunity to spend time with them.  and with what happened to the two students, God is redeeming things in them they didn’t think possible, but are thankful that they are being worked out.
• God is working this out for good.  it is giving us as a faculty a more open playing field when discussing with the students about making good decisions

It never ceases to amaze me how God turns what seems to be the worst circumstances into something to be fully redeemed. 

God is so good!

taking a bite out of chapel

Chris Short did the chapel talk at school 2 weeks ago.  Here are a couple soundbites of his talk:

“I like the baby Jesus best” – when talking about how we tend to mold Jesus into who we want Him to be.  We often ignore who Jesus really is and make Him into the Jesus that fits what we want and what we do.

“I won’t eat a 1% poop brownie and neither will God” – he was talking about that if someone offered us brownies that only had 1% poop, would we eat it?  He connected it to the fact that it doesn’t matter if we only have 1% sin in us, God cannot tolerate sin. 

“Hammy the radical hamster” – talking about his hamster Hammy that would always escape and head for the fireplace.  He had a one track mind.  Plus he would crawl along the baseboard and take the long way even though if he cut across and take a straight shot across the room.  He connected this to when we have a one track mind, though something may be better for us, we tend to try to take our own way.

The response from the kids was really great.  It was probably the most attentive the kids have been in Chapel for a long time. 

…plus it made me say out loud whether or not I was thinking it…I refuse to eat a 1% brownie.

my hapnens

I’ve done a really awful job of keeping up with my blogging.  Everytime it crosses my mind that I need to blog, I feel like I don’t have enough time or just don’t have the words to express what has been going on.  So here’s a list of the latest/not so latest:

1.  Volleyball season is over…overall it went extremely well.  Had a couple really hard conversations with the same set of parents, but having an amazing athletic director supporting me all the way was such a big help.  My JV girls did so great.  They ended their season with 9-7.  We had a winning season!…a huge improvement from 2-14 from last year.  The Varsity girls were State Runner-Ups.  #2 in the state…not too shabby.

2.  School has been good.  Really busy but good.  Sometimes my kids drive me absolutely crazy, but at the end of the day, I still love them very much.  It’s draining, but I’ve been developing some really solid relationships with the kids.  I’ve had some kids come up to me to talk about some really tough things.  It has been a blessing to talk with them and be a part of their lives.

3.  I’ve been really convicted about talking to my kids about the poor.  We’ve had some class discussions, and having most of the students coming from extremely privileged homes, it’s been hard; but good.

4.  I had a great Thanksgiving break spending time with my parents and Yuki…except the last night my purse got stolen.  Sucky.  Things are replaceable, and I know it’s just stuff…but it kind of feels violating and it’s such a hassle.

5.  I’ve been having stomach/digestive problems again.  It’s been almost a year and a half to two years since I’ve had problems, but they’ve been pretty bad lately.  It’s getting annoying.

6.  Swimming has been in full swing for a month.  We had our first meet tonight.  We have a small and young team.  They did fairly well given the fact that we had some people sick and we don’t have enough people for all the events.  We had 5 state qualifiers: 3 relays, and 2 individual events.  It was so exciting!!!!  So much energy, yelling, encouragment, and wet hugs happened all around.  Coaching has been tough at times, but it’s getting better.

7.  I get two weeks off for Christmas!!!!!  WOOT!!!!  and I absolutely can’t wait until New Years!!!!  I can’t wait to spend time with everyone!!!

8.  Last, but obviously the most important… God is good.