captivity

I feel like there is so much to write, I don’t even know where to start…let’s try this:

sin sucks

It is so engulfing. dark. consuming. secretive. embarassing.

shameful

why is it that when we sin…well at least when I sin, it seems as if the little voice keeps saying the same things over and over…”if only other people knew how dirty and messed up you really are…you can’t let other people know that you’re still struggling with this…you may really be crazy…if you were just strong enough you could fix this…

and then there’s the tough one “if you just prayed enough and loved Jesus enough, He will fix you”

well, here I sit 7 years later.  still held captive.  still reaching for redemption.

well, I guess I can’t say that I’m completely held captive.  I have experienced growth and freedom.  it’s just hard.  I know that in the end my victory is in Christ, but I’m not going to lie…Satan puts up one heck of a fight.

the lies we hear from others.  the lies we tell ourselves.  the downward spiral of shame.

what I really need is the Gospel.  I need to let it permeate everything in my life.  every part of my being.  daily.  I need to focus on the “Gospel of the Present.”

Gospel of the past – Jesus died for my sins.  as an atonement.  was resurrected to glorify himself and to bring new life.

Gospel of the future – Jesus will come again.  will restore everything.

Gospel of the present -Jesus is at work right now.  working out the sanctification of those who follow him.

Jesus is working in me now though I may not see it.  or though I tend to get in the way.  I need Jesus daily.  all the time.

instead of being held captive by my sin and struggles.  I need to be captivated by the Gospel.  but also know that I can’t do it.  Christ help me.

windy city redemption

I went to Chicago two weeks ago as a chaperone.  The kids were going to a ModelUN conference.  It was an…interesting trip.

We took the train from Charlottesville to Chicago.  That is one heck of a train ride let me tell you.  I figured I would bring tons of papers to check for the ride up because it was going to take about 21 hours.  Well…on the train ride up and back I checked 2 papers…out of about 70.  But it was totally worth it because instead of sitting in my seat and doing work, I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with kids almost the whole time.  We arrived in Chicago, checked into the hotel, had a great lunch, had a relaxing afternoon and the students got ready to go to committee.  I got to have dinner with one of my good friends from camp.  It was a great first day…

…late that night/extremely early the next morning, a series of events happened that made me feel like I was caught in some kind of dream…or nightmare if you will.  A couple students made some really bad decisions that led to panic, which led to more bad decisions.  The course of events that night will have lasting consequences and repercussions. 

I do not know if it is ironic or not that probably the most tears came from the chaperones rather than the students.

Through the course of events, some students that were not directly involved with the situation were treated unjustly. 

I know I am not being clear about what happened, but I can be clear as to some of the things that I learned throughout the whole trip:

• we live in a world that does not show grace and mercy often, but thank you Jesus (literally) that we serve a God that does show grace and mercy often.  in fact it is renewed every morning though we so do not deserve it at all
• redemption is a beautiful thing.  though the beginning of the trip was awful, God totally redeemed the rest of the trip.  I got to spend time with some kids that had what transpired not happen, I wouldn’t have had that amazing opportunity to spend time with them.  and with what happened to the two students, God is redeeming things in them they didn’t think possible, but are thankful that they are being worked out.
• God is working this out for good.  it is giving us as a faculty a more open playing field when discussing with the students about making good decisions

It never ceases to amaze me how God turns what seems to be the worst circumstances into something to be fully redeemed. 

God is so good!

taking a bite out of chapel

Chris Short did the chapel talk at school 2 weeks ago.  Here are a couple soundbites of his talk:

“I like the baby Jesus best” – when talking about how we tend to mold Jesus into who we want Him to be.  We often ignore who Jesus really is and make Him into the Jesus that fits what we want and what we do.

“I won’t eat a 1% poop brownie and neither will God” – he was talking about that if someone offered us brownies that only had 1% poop, would we eat it?  He connected it to the fact that it doesn’t matter if we only have 1% sin in us, God cannot tolerate sin. 

“Hammy the radical hamster” – talking about his hamster Hammy that would always escape and head for the fireplace.  He had a one track mind.  Plus he would crawl along the baseboard and take the long way even though if he cut across and take a straight shot across the room.  He connected this to when we have a one track mind, though something may be better for us, we tend to try to take our own way.

The response from the kids was really great.  It was probably the most attentive the kids have been in Chapel for a long time. 

…plus it made me say out loud whether or not I was thinking it…I refuse to eat a 1% brownie.

my hapnens

I’ve done a really awful job of keeping up with my blogging.  Everytime it crosses my mind that I need to blog, I feel like I don’t have enough time or just don’t have the words to express what has been going on.  So here’s a list of the latest/not so latest:

1.  Volleyball season is over…overall it went extremely well.  Had a couple really hard conversations with the same set of parents, but having an amazing athletic director supporting me all the way was such a big help.  My JV girls did so great.  They ended their season with 9-7.  We had a winning season!…a huge improvement from 2-14 from last year.  The Varsity girls were State Runner-Ups.  #2 in the state…not too shabby.

2.  School has been good.  Really busy but good.  Sometimes my kids drive me absolutely crazy, but at the end of the day, I still love them very much.  It’s draining, but I’ve been developing some really solid relationships with the kids.  I’ve had some kids come up to me to talk about some really tough things.  It has been a blessing to talk with them and be a part of their lives.

3.  I’ve been really convicted about talking to my kids about the poor.  We’ve had some class discussions, and having most of the students coming from extremely privileged homes, it’s been hard; but good.

4.  I had a great Thanksgiving break spending time with my parents and Yuki…except the last night my purse got stolen.  Sucky.  Things are replaceable, and I know it’s just stuff…but it kind of feels violating and it’s such a hassle.

5.  I’ve been having stomach/digestive problems again.  It’s been almost a year and a half to two years since I’ve had problems, but they’ve been pretty bad lately.  It’s getting annoying.

6.  Swimming has been in full swing for a month.  We had our first meet tonight.  We have a small and young team.  They did fairly well given the fact that we had some people sick and we don’t have enough people for all the events.  We had 5 state qualifiers: 3 relays, and 2 individual events.  It was so exciting!!!!  So much energy, yelling, encouragment, and wet hugs happened all around.  Coaching has been tough at times, but it’s getting better.

7.  I get two weeks off for Christmas!!!!!  WOOT!!!!  and I absolutely can’t wait until New Years!!!!  I can’t wait to spend time with everyone!!!

8.  Last, but obviously the most important… God is good.

dance you little circus monkey, dance!!

a life of performance…though i love my job, it is quite taxing being an amoeba under the microscope all the time.  i feel like a circus monkey constantly performing…for students, players, parents of both, superiors, fellow faculty, administrators, board members.  all of them watching my every move.  what will she do next?  what is her deal?  what kind of effect is she having on my child? it’s exhausting

dance you freakin little circus monkey!

reminders are good…

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we’ve come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here
Oh make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here

Oh I promise I’ll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I’ll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we’ll reflect it right back at you

Where are you?

I’m finishing up the rest of the Old Testament overview with my kids this week.  They have a test on Friday…dun dun duuuuunnnnn.  As we were going over their note sheet and reviewing what they should write down in some of the blanks I was reminded myself of something…

Genesis 3…the Fall.  Asking my students, to make sure they got a huge theme, what is God’s initial reaction?…Where are you?  God pursues Adam and Eve.

Pursuit.

Since school and volleyball started, I’ve hit the ground running.  From lesson planning, to teaching, to practices, to games and tournaments, and not to mention long trips for weekends of weddings…I’ve been a little busy.  My day goes from pillow, to Covenant activities, back to my pillow.  Losing touch with friends, and with Jesus…despite the fact that I’m teaching the Bible.  And also realizing that what I had feared that would happen with taking seminary classes was happening, buy becoming more of an intellectual with my faith as opposed to continue being my heart-heavy self.  I was so focused on getting the ‘information’ right.  Making sure I was teaching my kids the ‘right stuff.’  But by doing this, I was ignoring the fact that as I was teaching it, I should have had the heart where I too was meeting Christ in the process.

But, by just going over that one blank on the sheet of notes, I was reminded that He still is pursuing me.  No matter how busy I make myself, He still comes after me.  Man I don’t freaking deserve it, but He does it.  His mercy and and grace – unbelievable. 

Where are you?

paper bag

The 25th was the first day of school for Covenant.  http://www.covenantschool.org/ I like it so much like I said before.  I feel like I need to write down about something that hasn’t happened to me in a long time…like since junior high/high school…because it happened last Tuesday.

Tuesday we started right at the beginning…Genesis 1 “In the beginning God…”  I was sitting in on the other Bible teacher’s class just so I could gauge how far I should go in my material.  With “in the beginning” we were talking about we have a beginning and an end on earth, God doesn’t, our we as finite beings can’t really fathom what being infinite means…etc. etc.  The other teacher drew a line on the board indicating time.  Where we are now and many years from now when we won’t be here on earth…I couldn’t breathe.

My hands got sweaty, my heart started racing, I got tunnel vision, my stomach leaped into my throat, I felt filled with fear, and I couldn’t breathe.  I hadn’t felt that way in years when talking about time, death.  When I was younger, I used to have times where I would freak out, hyperventilate, and have an anxiety attack when thinking about dying and about time.  I would scream for my mom in the middle of the night.  And other times it would happen when I was in some kind of history class when there’s a lot of concentration of time.  And there I was, sitting in Bible class, freaking out and not being able to breathe.

I felt like I needed a paper bag.  All I could do was put my head down and pray for Jesus to give me peace and calm my heart.  Sometimes I feel ashamed that I end up freaking out about that.  I am a believer and follower of Christ.  Because of Christ death is not my end.  It has been defeated.  Does it mean that I’m doubting those beliefs?  What is that all about?  Seriously woman!

Lord give me relief and security in your goodness.  Help me with my disbelief.

i got my lunch packed up and my shoes tied tight, i hope i don’t get in a fight…back to school

Man life has been busy.  This whole teaching thing is so much more than I expected.  I have a whole new appreciation for teachers…especially teachers that coach.  I love my job.  Yes I am at school for somewhere around 10-12 hours…but I love what I’m doing.  I love my kids and my girls on the teams.

One of the things that I think I enjoy the most about teaching and coaching is watching their faces when they ‘get it.’  When they have those “ah-ha” moments.  When you see in their eyes that the lightbulb in their head goes on.  I just get so pumped for those moments.  The one class we never get through all the material I have planned for that day because the kids in my class love to participate in class discussion.  Seeing some of them squirming in their seats with their hands raised because they want to contribute is so awesome…why is it so awesome?…because they’re getting excited about talking about the Bible. 

Tuesday, we were finishing up Genesis 2 after it goes into detail about how God made man and woman.  Telling the girls that they were God’s finale of creation was so stellar.  I could see on their faces that they were thinking about it, and every single girl in each of my classes smiled.  Awwwwwesome!

The one class I like alot, but…instead of participating more in discussion…they participate with each other.  It’s funny to see them act up and have them think that I don’t see what they are doing.  When I call them on it…they seem so shocked.  I think they forget that it wasn’t too long ago that I was where they were sitting and at times did the exact same thing.  Oh adolescence. 

It’s been exciting.  I do get worn out a lot, but I was journaling today and just kept asking the Lord to remind me that I can’t do it on my own.  It’s impossible without Him.  And also that as I’m teaching these kids, that not only would He meet them where they are, but that I would meet Him as well.

frail insecurity

so many times we like to appear tougher and stronger than we are…I try to do that way more than I like to admit.  I’ve been hesitating to blog about my feelings lately, because 

First. I didn’t want my blog to be all poor me, and emo wah wah wah;

#2. it’s hard being vulnerable sometimes…

and C. I don’t want people to respond telling me that the things that I am thinking are a lie, or they aren’t truth…what I’m about to write is how I feel right now.  Just honest feelings.

It’s funny.  Sometimes I wonder if insecurities ever go away.  ever.  I’ve also struggled for the longest time with finding affirmation in boys and anything or anyone besides the Lord.  This past year I prayed, reflected, sought God to just know more about Him and tried so hard to give these feelings to God.  It’s also weird saying try, but giving up to Him at the same time.  Praying that I would find my identity in Him, find affirmation in Him, beauty in Him.  I also thought that maybe some of my insecurities about myself, my body, just me in general would alleviate some.  I feel as if I ride on a constant roller coaster when it comes to my insecurities…not pretty enough, not desirable, not thin enough, not interesting enough, not captivating, not Godly enough, and just plain not good enough. 

For the longest time I always wondered why I was single.  I constantly wrestled between being confident in knowing that God does have a plan for me and he has someone for me, and ‘what is wrong with me?’ 

I wondered what was so bad.  I had so many friends, people told me “I have a great personality” and all that, but I didn’t understand.  Since I was a pre-teen I always thought that I wasn’t attractive enough for someone to see me and just be like “wow”.  Because of that I had this idea dreamed up that whoever was going to fall for me, if ever, was going to have to be someone who was like my best friend.  Someone who knew all about me, and I would become attractive eventually and there would be one of those “whoa”-revelation moments.

So I can no longer say that I have never dated anyone.  For a short period during the time that I was dating, I thought to myself “hey, maybe I’m not as bad as I thought…maybe I am enough.”  But like I said, that was a short period of time.  That was short-lived because my relationship status has gone back to what I consider…usual for me.  Though I know that it was for the best, but in all honesty…now I feel…well, maybe I am that bad…I’m not enough.  Maybe even more so now than ever. 

Maybe it’s my fault that I feel this way.  I had envisioned what and how a relationship would have to happen for me.  I dreamed up the “only way” that I ever thought it could ever happen.  And that’s how it started.  He was one of my best friends.  He had one of those “whoa” moments.  And it didn’t work out.  Now, I know that I’m still young…I know.  But sometimes I feel that because “it” didn’t happened the way I only thought it could…I feel like it’s never going to happen at all.

It’s hard.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  This I know.  I feel so ungrateful for those things when I feel like this.  I try to tell myself to just suck it up, which I do most of the time, but sometimes I can’t.  I just cry.

This post is all over the place, but so am I.