tidal wave

It’s crazy to me how therapeutic seeing an old friend can be.  Especially when you haven’t seen him in practically a year.  Just being able to sit down, BS, cry, learn about the past year in each others’ lives, be blatantly honest, laugh, and share things with someone that knows me and gets me.

It was also crazy the memories and thoughts that came rushing back to me in a tidal wave as I made the drive back to Charlottesville.  F! I cry a lot when I think of college and the people I met there.  I miss it so much.  I miss being able to have some of the people that I love most in the world so easily accessible.  Being able to call people up and meet up for coffee, have friends rush to your side when you have a panic attack and have them go with you to the emergency room at odd hours of the night and wait there for you…then do it again a week later with another friend, laying on a kitchen floor after running on a hot day, dance parties, cooking for each other, snuggling on big blue couches whether it be crying or falling asleep in each others’ laps, talking for hours in back bedrooms, taking ridiculous amounts of photos to capture every waking silly moment, or just do nothing…but do nothing together.  Man I can’t believe the people that I am blessed to have in my life.

I feel bad when I’m down here at times.  I feel so blessed with my amazing host family and all the people that are pouring into us Fellows down here.  I feel bad because despite all of that and all that I’m learning, sometimes I don’t want any of it.  At all.  Sometimes all I want is to be back where I was a year ago…with people that I love and people that got me.  I’m trying my best to have a good attitude and be thankful for where I am and look back and be so grateful for the amazing memories that I carry with me that I shared with those that I love, and not be bitter because I’m not with them still making more ridiculous memories.

I know that I’m here for a reason.  I know that this is were God wants me to be, which is probably why it isn’t easy being here.   I know I sound like a sap because I cry when I think about the amazing blessings that I am extremely privileged to call friends, but I can’t help it.

Sap it is.

you call me beautiful…

we all know what it is to have this longing that we can’t get away from, to be known, to be loved and to be understood by even just one person in the world.  to be accepted as we are even with all our flaws and all our faults.  but there is probably nobody on the planet that can love us the way that we desire to be loved.  and there’s probably not anybody who can meet all of our expectations and not anybody who’s expectations we can meet.  what does it mean to believe that God my makes is also God who loves me unconditionally, and pursues me daily inspite of what I do?  it doesn’t matter if I’m accepted unconditionally by the people around me or not, what matters is the One who created me, the One who knows me best, knows all of my darknesses all of my flaws…that One is the ONe who loves me most and there is nothing I can do to make that love go away – Ginny Owens

 preach it sista gurl

like blood like honey

You want to catch your breath you want to get out
But as you surface you don’t really know how
How to live upon the solid ground
Sometimes it’s easier to let yourself drown

Love is
Thick like
Blood like
Honey

You cannot spell it out there are no words
Mrs johnson never taught me those verbs
On how to give myself and how to receive
It is something that’s inside of you and me

Love is
Thick like
Blood like
Honey

Forget everything you ever learned
No one listens when you want to be heard
Just bleed the bittersweet

Seven sunrises and seven more nights
You’d think that we could learn to do it right
If nothing changes then i’m gonna stop
But do i really have a choice?
I think not

Love is
Thick like
Blood like
Honey

out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks

man. Last week was ugly for me. I found myself getting angry at everything…let me first say that though it is not an excuse, but I was a little extra pissy because of certain circumstances going on in my body…though I know that that you really don’t want to hear that, but I get pretty bitchy…you can ask Mike, I think he was my punching bag every month. He will attest to it.

but anyways…I get so angry sometimes. Half of the time, I just don’t know why. Everything that anyone says just pisses me off. When we get so wrapped up in ourselves and refuse to acknowledge the crying girl or the silent guy in the corner, I just want to explode. Or when they are acknowledged, but we don’t come back to them to listen and get carried away with ourselves. I know I also shouldn’t talk, because I’ve done it too, we’ve all done it.

I get frustrated when trying to share Jesus out of my heart when people only have Him in their heads. We are never going to completely be able to wrap our minds around God, His ways, who He is, why He does things, His glory…pretty much everything about Him. Which shouldn’t deter us from wanting to know Him more of course, but we’re never going to completely understand Him while we are in our current bodies on this earth. However, He gives us little glimpses of Himself, because that’s all our tiny little minds can handle. We would practically explode if we saw/understood more of God and His glory.

Which is why I’m thankful for feeling Him in my heart. Thinking about His grace and love just completely brings me to tears…(hard to believe…me? crying? I know, it’s crazy, right) But seriously, just thinking about it is my undoing.

Sometimes, we all (me included of course) just need to shut the crap up, get over ourselves, stop asking questions, and just sit back and rest in God. Chill out and let Him love you man. Yes we are sinners and we all suck, which we need to keep reminding ourselves of, but also remind ourselves that’s not the end. Because if we do, we are ignoring what Jesus did for us.