frail insecurity

so many times we like to appear tougher and stronger than we are…I try to do that way more than I like to admit.  I’ve been hesitating to blog about my feelings lately, because 

First. I didn’t want my blog to be all poor me, and emo wah wah wah;

#2. it’s hard being vulnerable sometimes…

and C. I don’t want people to respond telling me that the things that I am thinking are a lie, or they aren’t truth…what I’m about to write is how I feel right now.  Just honest feelings.

It’s funny.  Sometimes I wonder if insecurities ever go away.  ever.  I’ve also struggled for the longest time with finding affirmation in boys and anything or anyone besides the Lord.  This past year I prayed, reflected, sought God to just know more about Him and tried so hard to give these feelings to God.  It’s also weird saying try, but giving up to Him at the same time.  Praying that I would find my identity in Him, find affirmation in Him, beauty in Him.  I also thought that maybe some of my insecurities about myself, my body, just me in general would alleviate some.  I feel as if I ride on a constant roller coaster when it comes to my insecurities…not pretty enough, not desirable, not thin enough, not interesting enough, not captivating, not Godly enough, and just plain not good enough. 

For the longest time I always wondered why I was single.  I constantly wrestled between being confident in knowing that God does have a plan for me and he has someone for me, and ‘what is wrong with me?’ 

I wondered what was so bad.  I had so many friends, people told me “I have a great personality” and all that, but I didn’t understand.  Since I was a pre-teen I always thought that I wasn’t attractive enough for someone to see me and just be like “wow”.  Because of that I had this idea dreamed up that whoever was going to fall for me, if ever, was going to have to be someone who was like my best friend.  Someone who knew all about me, and I would become attractive eventually and there would be one of those “whoa”-revelation moments.

So I can no longer say that I have never dated anyone.  For a short period during the time that I was dating, I thought to myself “hey, maybe I’m not as bad as I thought…maybe I am enough.”  But like I said, that was a short period of time.  That was short-lived because my relationship status has gone back to what I consider…usual for me.  Though I know that it was for the best, but in all honesty…now I feel…well, maybe I am that bad…I’m not enough.  Maybe even more so now than ever. 

Maybe it’s my fault that I feel this way.  I had envisioned what and how a relationship would have to happen for me.  I dreamed up the “only way” that I ever thought it could ever happen.  And that’s how it started.  He was one of my best friends.  He had one of those “whoa” moments.  And it didn’t work out.  Now, I know that I’m still young…I know.  But sometimes I feel that because “it” didn’t happened the way I only thought it could…I feel like it’s never going to happen at all.

It’s hard.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  This I know.  I feel so ungrateful for those things when I feel like this.  I try to tell myself to just suck it up, which I do most of the time, but sometimes I can’t.  I just cry.

This post is all over the place, but so am I.

inspiration from Bjorn

waving it in front of the original “Big Ben”

“kick-back” reading

I’ve never been known to be much of a reader…let alone reading books for personal enjoyment. I have always wanted to be one of those types of people, but either lacked time, motivation, or the ability to keep my drooling passed out face off the pages.

But this summer, with lots of down time, trips to the beach, and with my trip to London, I’ve actually been able to get some reading in which has been quite stellar. Here’s my list so far of goodness I’ve read and goodies I’m hopefully going to get to dig into this upcoming year

Irresistible Revolution Shane Claiborne (soooooo good!!!)

Traveling Mercies – Anne Lamott (awesomely raw)

Velvet Elvis – Rob Bell (diggin’ it already, and I’ve just read the intro and first chapter)

Future Grace – John Piper

Sex and Dating – Mindy Meier

Screwtape Letters – CS Lewis

Ragamuffin Gospel – Brennan Manning

Jesus for President – Shane Claiborne

The Reason for God – Tim Keller

…it seems like I have a lot of work ahead of me. we’ll see how it goes

rain

Patty Griffin…quite fitting for how I’ve felt lately…

It’s hard to listen to a hard hard heart
beating close to mine
pounding up against the stone and steel
walls that I won’t climb
sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
you think that you’re gonna drown
sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
with all this rain falling down

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when I’m holding on underneath this shroud
rain

its hard to know when to give up the fight
two things you want will just never be right
its never rained like it has to night before
now I don’t wanna beg you baby
for something maybe you could never give
I’m not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when I’m holding on underneath this shroud
rain

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when I’m still alive underneath this shroud
rain rain rain

a Sunday afternoon in Hyde Park

I spent the majority of my last day in London in Hyde Park. The park is huge, it’s so big. It took me forever to walk from one side of the park to the other, and I didn’t even walk across the whole thing. There were sooooo many people in the park. It was the first big weekend for vacation in London, so pretty much everyone and their mom was out that day…plus it was the hottest day of the year in London. I sat there people watching, read “Traveling Mercies”, listened to some music, and kept an eye out for pigeons and other birds (blegh). After a while I also started making a list of things that I saw around me

Dreadlocks, lounge chairs, picnics, children, accents, readers, writers, friends, wine, soccer, birds, couples, sunglasses, skin, languages, smiles, sun, families, paddle boats, rollerblades, naps, loners, sun-dresses, frisbees, rugby, music, laughing, enjoyment, rest

It really was a great time of rest on Sunday on my last day in London…I didn’t get to hang out with the Queen though, she was a little busy and our schedules just didn’t mesh.