frail insecurity

so many times we like to appear tougher and stronger than we are…I try to do that way more than I like to admit.  I’ve been hesitating to blog about my feelings lately, because 

First. I didn’t want my blog to be all poor me, and emo wah wah wah;

#2. it’s hard being vulnerable sometimes…

and C. I don’t want people to respond telling me that the things that I am thinking are a lie, or they aren’t truth…what I’m about to write is how I feel right now.  Just honest feelings.

It’s funny.  Sometimes I wonder if insecurities ever go away.  ever.  I’ve also struggled for the longest time with finding affirmation in boys and anything or anyone besides the Lord.  This past year I prayed, reflected, sought God to just know more about Him and tried so hard to give these feelings to God.  It’s also weird saying try, but giving up to Him at the same time.  Praying that I would find my identity in Him, find affirmation in Him, beauty in Him.  I also thought that maybe some of my insecurities about myself, my body, just me in general would alleviate some.  I feel as if I ride on a constant roller coaster when it comes to my insecurities…not pretty enough, not desirable, not thin enough, not interesting enough, not captivating, not Godly enough, and just plain not good enough. 

For the longest time I always wondered why I was single.  I constantly wrestled between being confident in knowing that God does have a plan for me and he has someone for me, and ‘what is wrong with me?’ 

I wondered what was so bad.  I had so many friends, people told me “I have a great personality” and all that, but I didn’t understand.  Since I was a pre-teen I always thought that I wasn’t attractive enough for someone to see me and just be like “wow”.  Because of that I had this idea dreamed up that whoever was going to fall for me, if ever, was going to have to be someone who was like my best friend.  Someone who knew all about me, and I would become attractive eventually and there would be one of those “whoa”-revelation moments.

So I can no longer say that I have never dated anyone.  For a short period during the time that I was dating, I thought to myself “hey, maybe I’m not as bad as I thought…maybe I am enough.”  But like I said, that was a short period of time.  That was short-lived because my relationship status has gone back to what I consider…usual for me.  Though I know that it was for the best, but in all honesty…now I feel…well, maybe I am that bad…I’m not enough.  Maybe even more so now than ever. 

Maybe it’s my fault that I feel this way.  I had envisioned what and how a relationship would have to happen for me.  I dreamed up the “only way” that I ever thought it could ever happen.  And that’s how it started.  He was one of my best friends.  He had one of those “whoa” moments.  And it didn’t work out.  Now, I know that I’m still young…I know.  But sometimes I feel that because “it” didn’t happened the way I only thought it could…I feel like it’s never going to happen at all.

It’s hard.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  This I know.  I feel so ungrateful for those things when I feel like this.  I try to tell myself to just suck it up, which I do most of the time, but sometimes I can’t.  I just cry.

This post is all over the place, but so am I.