captivity

I feel like there is so much to write, I don’t even know where to start…let’s try this:

sin sucks

It is so engulfing. dark. consuming. secretive. embarassing.

shameful

why is it that when we sin…well at least when I sin, it seems as if the little voice keeps saying the same things over and over…”if only other people knew how dirty and messed up you really are…you can’t let other people know that you’re still struggling with this…you may really be crazy…if you were just strong enough you could fix this…

and then there’s the tough one “if you just prayed enough and loved Jesus enough, He will fix you”

well, here I sit 7 years later.  still held captive.  still reaching for redemption.

well, I guess I can’t say that I’m completely held captive.  I have experienced growth and freedom.  it’s just hard.  I know that in the end my victory is in Christ, but I’m not going to lie…Satan puts up one heck of a fight.

the lies we hear from others.  the lies we tell ourselves.  the downward spiral of shame.

what I really need is the Gospel.  I need to let it permeate everything in my life.  every part of my being.  daily.  I need to focus on the “Gospel of the Present.”

Gospel of the past – Jesus died for my sins.  as an atonement.  was resurrected to glorify himself and to bring new life.

Gospel of the future – Jesus will come again.  will restore everything.

Gospel of the present -Jesus is at work right now.  working out the sanctification of those who follow him.

Jesus is working in me now though I may not see it.  or though I tend to get in the way.  I need Jesus daily.  all the time.

instead of being held captive by my sin and struggles.  I need to be captivated by the Gospel.  but also know that I can’t do it.  Christ help me.

paper bag

The 25th was the first day of school for Covenant.  http://www.covenantschool.org/ I like it so much like I said before.  I feel like I need to write down about something that hasn’t happened to me in a long time…like since junior high/high school…because it happened last Tuesday.

Tuesday we started right at the beginning…Genesis 1 “In the beginning God…”  I was sitting in on the other Bible teacher’s class just so I could gauge how far I should go in my material.  With “in the beginning” we were talking about we have a beginning and an end on earth, God doesn’t, our we as finite beings can’t really fathom what being infinite means…etc. etc.  The other teacher drew a line on the board indicating time.  Where we are now and many years from now when we won’t be here on earth…I couldn’t breathe.

My hands got sweaty, my heart started racing, I got tunnel vision, my stomach leaped into my throat, I felt filled with fear, and I couldn’t breathe.  I hadn’t felt that way in years when talking about time, death.  When I was younger, I used to have times where I would freak out, hyperventilate, and have an anxiety attack when thinking about dying and about time.  I would scream for my mom in the middle of the night.  And other times it would happen when I was in some kind of history class when there’s a lot of concentration of time.  And there I was, sitting in Bible class, freaking out and not being able to breathe.

I felt like I needed a paper bag.  All I could do was put my head down and pray for Jesus to give me peace and calm my heart.  Sometimes I feel ashamed that I end up freaking out about that.  I am a believer and follower of Christ.  Because of Christ death is not my end.  It has been defeated.  Does it mean that I’m doubting those beliefs?  What is that all about?  Seriously woman!

Lord give me relief and security in your goodness.  Help me with my disbelief.

frail insecurity

so many times we like to appear tougher and stronger than we are…I try to do that way more than I like to admit.  I’ve been hesitating to blog about my feelings lately, because 

First. I didn’t want my blog to be all poor me, and emo wah wah wah;

#2. it’s hard being vulnerable sometimes…

and C. I don’t want people to respond telling me that the things that I am thinking are a lie, or they aren’t truth…what I’m about to write is how I feel right now.  Just honest feelings.

It’s funny.  Sometimes I wonder if insecurities ever go away.  ever.  I’ve also struggled for the longest time with finding affirmation in boys and anything or anyone besides the Lord.  This past year I prayed, reflected, sought God to just know more about Him and tried so hard to give these feelings to God.  It’s also weird saying try, but giving up to Him at the same time.  Praying that I would find my identity in Him, find affirmation in Him, beauty in Him.  I also thought that maybe some of my insecurities about myself, my body, just me in general would alleviate some.  I feel as if I ride on a constant roller coaster when it comes to my insecurities…not pretty enough, not desirable, not thin enough, not interesting enough, not captivating, not Godly enough, and just plain not good enough. 

For the longest time I always wondered why I was single.  I constantly wrestled between being confident in knowing that God does have a plan for me and he has someone for me, and ‘what is wrong with me?’ 

I wondered what was so bad.  I had so many friends, people told me “I have a great personality” and all that, but I didn’t understand.  Since I was a pre-teen I always thought that I wasn’t attractive enough for someone to see me and just be like “wow”.  Because of that I had this idea dreamed up that whoever was going to fall for me, if ever, was going to have to be someone who was like my best friend.  Someone who knew all about me, and I would become attractive eventually and there would be one of those “whoa”-revelation moments.

So I can no longer say that I have never dated anyone.  For a short period during the time that I was dating, I thought to myself “hey, maybe I’m not as bad as I thought…maybe I am enough.”  But like I said, that was a short period of time.  That was short-lived because my relationship status has gone back to what I consider…usual for me.  Though I know that it was for the best, but in all honesty…now I feel…well, maybe I am that bad…I’m not enough.  Maybe even more so now than ever. 

Maybe it’s my fault that I feel this way.  I had envisioned what and how a relationship would have to happen for me.  I dreamed up the “only way” that I ever thought it could ever happen.  And that’s how it started.  He was one of my best friends.  He had one of those “whoa” moments.  And it didn’t work out.  Now, I know that I’m still young…I know.  But sometimes I feel that because “it” didn’t happened the way I only thought it could…I feel like it’s never going to happen at all.

It’s hard.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  This I know.  I feel so ungrateful for those things when I feel like this.  I try to tell myself to just suck it up, which I do most of the time, but sometimes I can’t.  I just cry.

This post is all over the place, but so am I.

I’ll have to take a rain check

…ironically the rainy season in Nigeria is approaching…

so, after much prayer, seeking advice, and reflection…plus due to circumstances, my trip to Nigeria is postponed.

It was hard having to make this decision because at first it seemed like things were falling into place and this was something God was really laying on my heart.  However, through more prayer, and because of financial circumstances the conclusion arose that I can’t go in April as the opportunity had presented itself.

How am I feeling about this?

Well, I don’t regret not being able to go.  I will regret never going though.  I prayed diligently about it and so did many very great friends.  I really have a peace about it too, which really is that peace that surpasses understanding…probably because I don’t understand it of course.  Peace knowing that not if I go but whenever it does happen it will be in God’s own timing and not my own.

My boss Rae said that it’s ok that I can’t go this time.  She said that it’s an open invitation (also open to any friends I know that would feel the tug on their heart to go as well).  I guess I just have to continue to pray and save up money for it.

Not only praying and saving up for Nigeria…

…but praying and saving up to return back to Peru is also on my heart.

 God is so good.

contemplation

still trying to figure out what I’m going to do about Nigeria. I’ve been praying a lot about it, but probably still not enough about it. God totally got his hands in there and worked out some crazy stuff about me being able to go though. 2 days after my boss told me to pray about going with her, I had a conversation with a really amazing friend of mine who said that he didn’t want money to be the reason I couldn’t go and he told me to pray about it and get back to him because he wants to help me on this trip. I was absolutely floored!!! – in good way of course (Beth I know you use FLOORED when you’re expressing frustration sometimes)

however, I’m still not sure. I’m totally excited, but a little nervous nonetheless. My parents are terrified. When I talked to my parents on the phone yesterday all my mom was yelling in the background was “AIDS!” My dad had just read an article in the local newspaper back home about a missionary that went to Nigeria and all the hardships they faced while being there. Rae (my boss) told me that everything you hear about Nigeria is true, but she knows which areas absolutely not to take me to and areas to keep me away from. Knowing that Rae knows what’s up definitely calms me about it. But it’s still a little intimidating regardless. I’m not going there blindly either, we studied Nigeria in one of my PLSC classes senior year, so I do have an idea of the history and the state of the country when considering some of the tribes, regions, and their political regime, so that helps too.

Time is another thing. I should be there about 10 days. I’ll be going off to Africa…mmmm possibly 2 days or so after I return from 8 days in Japan. That’s a lot of time away from the Fellows. I am convicted about that too.

Also,

Do I want to go because it’s an amazing opportunity? or is it really something on my heart that God wants me to do? It will definitely put a face to poverty, tribalism, political corruption and spiritual warfare that is talked about but often forgotten as it is not directly related to me (hey generation, it’s about me me me afterall right?). More of a reality slap I guess…one often needed every now and then.

Continuing to pray about this…Hey Jesus,

::sigh::

i long for the community i once had

Te Amo Peru

Sorry I’ve been lame and it’s been forever since I’ve posted…I’ve had some things on my heart to share, but haven’t had the time to sit down and actually post, or even feel like I had the words to even say what I want to say.

 I guess I can talk about the kids that went to Peru.  A big group of kids from ACF went down to Chilca, Peru for 2 weeks over Christmas break to help build an orphanage.  Pretty sweet eh?  My man Dave Mosemann, who was on my team when I went down to Peru a few years ago where my ‘Iron’ and I met, is a grad student at Penn State getting his masters in architecture.  He had the genius idea of designing a building for an orphanage as his masters’ thesis…and actually raised the funds and gathered the man-power to do it!!  Dave describes the building as:

“The orphanage will be mostly constructed by teams of unskilled volunteers, and therefore utilized an assembly systerm of non-loadbearing metal stud wall and roof panels.  Metal stud wall panels are light-weight to carry, allow for insulation and drywall finishes.  Masonry, the traditional building style in Peru, will be used sparingly as it requires skill and is not structurally sound in earthquake prone areas, which Chilca is.” …in other words this building is going to be money in the bank!!

How killer is that?!  Peru has had a soft spot in my heart ever since I went after freshman year.  The people were so amazing.  Their hospitality, warmth and love were overwhelming.  All regardless of what they had, they were always giving.  The conditions their lives were in gives people in America no reason to complain, yet their faith was so astounding.  Their trust in the Lord was an example of true faith.  Not that we don’t have true faith, it was just with what little they had, their hearts were filled with the love of Christ and that was more than sufficient for them where they were overflowing wanting to share God’s love with others.

I wanted to go back there so badly, and I hope to one day, but I’m so pumped for the guys that got to go.  They all worked their faces off on ‘Hannah’s Hope’ and it’s really starting to look like a building now.  Not only did they go to work on Hannah’s Hope, but they sent some groups down to Chincha to help with earthquake relief.  Back this summer, a devastating earthquake hit Peru.  It registered an 8.0!!!  It claimed the lives of over 500 people, injuring over a thousand, and effecting the lives of thousands.  Chincha was one of the places heavily affected by the earthquake.  It’s a humbling reminder of how little we truly are, but also a reminder of how we need to care for each other and help one another as much as we can.

I thought about all the stellar kids down there and prayed for them every day.  I’m so glad the guys made it safely down and back.  Continue to be praying for and thinking of those going down again to continue the building process and the children that will be given a place to stay while they are awaiting loving homes. 

this will still forever be my favorite picture that I took in Peru

the life of a fellow

a lot of people have wondered what I’m doing down here in Virginia…besides the fact that it is for Lovers…but that’s besides the point. Here’s a little glimpse into my life and the stellar people in it

ladies…

gentlemen…

all of these ridiculously sweet pictures (snapping and editing) courtesy of

Eric Kelley

Abundant Life

Though this is a rambling of my heart…it’s also a daily dose of ferocious because it’s something that I’ve developed a passion for…

Every Thursday we go to Johnson Elementary school. We go there to participate with Abundant Life Ministries (http://charlottesvilleabundantlife.org). It’s an after school program that provides tutoring for kids among other things. The majority of the kids that go to Johnson Elementary are from the Prospect Ave neighborhood and Blue Ridge Common Apartments. This is the I guess you could call the inner city area of Charlottesville. Some of the students come from great families and some come from broken homes. One of the boys was telling me about him hanging out with his father, who is out of jail for the 4th time. Despite what the students’ family lives are like, they all have something in common…they need lovin’ from us.

The boy that I tutor is 8 years old and his name is Ahmad. He is in the second grade. I remember the first couple of weeks that we started tutoring. The first day he was so apathetic and bragging about not caring whether or not he repeated the 2nd grade. He kept having to be pulled aside and talked to by Miss Kerra, one of the directors. But he just didn’t care. Anytime that he wouldn’t want to do something, he would totally and completely shut down. He wouldn’t do his work, he wouldn’t listen to anything that I would say or respond in any way. All he would do is sit there staring at the wall and ignore me. Some of the women running the program were talking about whether or not Ahmad could stay in the program because he wasn’t doing anything.

…but that was in the beginning.

Now, he has been doing absolutely awesome. Ahmad wants to do his homework and the enrichment activities. They make him feel good about himself because he does well and learns from them. He talks to me about his weekend, about school, about lots of things. The kids got their report cards a couple weeks ago, and he was so excited to show me his. He got all really exceptional marks, they don’t do the whole A,B,C thing, like back in my day…haha I sound old. But anyways…he showed me his report card…and then Ahmad said something with such enthusiasm that almost made me cry in front of him…

“I’m going to the 3rd grade.”

He continued to say that after that he’s going to go to 4th then 5th, then middle school. He was so excited he hopped out of his chair, ran over to his cousin and said the same thing.

It has been so amazing tutoring him and spending time with the Abundant Life kids. I love going early and just running around and playing with them. The girls are hilarious playing tag and I just love dancing around with them…me love dancing?…who would have thought, right? They are some of the most affectionate kids as well. They always want you to catch them, hug them, hang on your back or shoulders, jump on you…hold their hands. We took them for pizza and ice skating a while ago, and it was interesting to see their vulnerability especially on the ice. Though they were on the ice, their hard exteriors and the walls that they had up began melting away as they needed us and trusted us to help them.

I definitely have seen redemption in all of this and so much of God’s grace and love. It has been such a blessing to be able to be in these kids lives. To be able to let them know that they don’t have to be angry all the time; that people care about them; that doing well and working hard is awesome. The banquet that was held for them was quite stellar. They were brought into a room filled with several hundreds of people clapping and cheering for them for doing well. They were all dressed up and sang some Christmas carols after dinner and it was adorable. We were so blessed to be able to see them there and to serve them.

“The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” – 1 Timothy 1:14 …for this I am ridiculously thankful, but because it was poured out abundantly, means it should overflow into the lives of others around me.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” – John 10:10…Jesus came so we could have life, despite the fact that we so do not deserve it…freakin awesome!

These kids are meant to have a life abundant because of Jesus. It is amazing to think that we get to be a little tiny part in that by just sharing God’s love with them.

tidal wave

It’s crazy to me how therapeutic seeing an old friend can be.  Especially when you haven’t seen him in practically a year.  Just being able to sit down, BS, cry, learn about the past year in each others’ lives, be blatantly honest, laugh, and share things with someone that knows me and gets me.

It was also crazy the memories and thoughts that came rushing back to me in a tidal wave as I made the drive back to Charlottesville.  F! I cry a lot when I think of college and the people I met there.  I miss it so much.  I miss being able to have some of the people that I love most in the world so easily accessible.  Being able to call people up and meet up for coffee, have friends rush to your side when you have a panic attack and have them go with you to the emergency room at odd hours of the night and wait there for you…then do it again a week later with another friend, laying on a kitchen floor after running on a hot day, dance parties, cooking for each other, snuggling on big blue couches whether it be crying or falling asleep in each others’ laps, talking for hours in back bedrooms, taking ridiculous amounts of photos to capture every waking silly moment, or just do nothing…but do nothing together.  Man I can’t believe the people that I am blessed to have in my life.

I feel bad when I’m down here at times.  I feel so blessed with my amazing host family and all the people that are pouring into us Fellows down here.  I feel bad because despite all of that and all that I’m learning, sometimes I don’t want any of it.  At all.  Sometimes all I want is to be back where I was a year ago…with people that I love and people that got me.  I’m trying my best to have a good attitude and be thankful for where I am and look back and be so grateful for the amazing memories that I carry with me that I shared with those that I love, and not be bitter because I’m not with them still making more ridiculous memories.

I know that I’m here for a reason.  I know that this is were God wants me to be, which is probably why it isn’t easy being here.   I know I sound like a sap because I cry when I think about the amazing blessings that I am extremely privileged to call friends, but I can’t help it.

Sap it is.