June 2010… :)

Lord providing

beyond blessed

excerpts from TK

We are doing a Tim Keller study on prayer for our Bible study.  here are some excerpts of what we went over and what we are going over this week…what if we really prayed like this?  what if we really thought like this?…

” “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19

This is a perplexing prayer from one perspective.  Paul is praying Christians, who by definition are people who already have Christ dwelling within them!  And surely all Christians know Christ loves them, or they wouldn’t have saving faith.  Not only that, but all Christians have the fullness of God dwelling in them.  So what is Paul asking for?

Just as it is one thing to have a bank account and another to draw on it, so it is one thing to have God as Father and Jesus as Lover and another thing to draw on that and actually experience it – to be actually shaped by it in the depth of your emotional life and in the breadth of your life out in the world.  Paul wants us not to just believe that the full glory and greatness of God is within us, but to actually sense the glory, to be overwhelmed and filled with it.  He is praying that we would grasp the truth of who and what Christ is until it becomes much more than a rational proposition.  He wants us to come under its power so that it affects us from the inside out.  For example, do you know God loves you?  If you do, why do you get so inconsolable when others criticize you?  When the truth of God’s love for you really “catches fire”, when the truth about God’s love gets big – when it disturbs and comforts and thrills you – then you will find that criticism doesn’t harm you as it did before.  The truth has descended into the heart.  That is what Paul is praying for.  “

do we let this truth penetrate every aspect of our lives?  that we are loved by God?  do we ever doubt this?…if we do, why do we doubt it?  if we don’t doubt it, how often do we forget it?

i’m going to hopefully be more diligent on remembering what disturbs, comforts, and thrills me

black holes and revelations/ moment of surrender

U2 and Muse came to Cville…amazing!  Rose and I had a great time.  At one point in the show, though it may sound heretical…but it felt like a foretaste of the kingdom to come.  There were 60,000 people at the show.  Bono started singing “Amazing Grace.”  Everyone started singing too.  It felt like a small glimpse of when we all will be worshipping the Lord and instead of Bono leading it…Jesus!

captivity

I feel like there is so much to write, I don’t even know where to start…let’s try this:

sin sucks

It is so engulfing. dark. consuming. secretive. embarassing.

shameful

why is it that when we sin…well at least when I sin, it seems as if the little voice keeps saying the same things over and over…”if only other people knew how dirty and messed up you really are…you can’t let other people know that you’re still struggling with this…you may really be crazy…if you were just strong enough you could fix this…

and then there’s the tough one “if you just prayed enough and loved Jesus enough, He will fix you”

well, here I sit 7 years later.  still held captive.  still reaching for redemption.

well, I guess I can’t say that I’m completely held captive.  I have experienced growth and freedom.  it’s just hard.  I know that in the end my victory is in Christ, but I’m not going to lie…Satan puts up one heck of a fight.

the lies we hear from others.  the lies we tell ourselves.  the downward spiral of shame.

what I really need is the Gospel.  I need to let it permeate everything in my life.  every part of my being.  daily.  I need to focus on the “Gospel of the Present.”

Gospel of the past – Jesus died for my sins.  as an atonement.  was resurrected to glorify himself and to bring new life.

Gospel of the future – Jesus will come again.  will restore everything.

Gospel of the present -Jesus is at work right now.  working out the sanctification of those who follow him.

Jesus is working in me now though I may not see it.  or though I tend to get in the way.  I need Jesus daily.  all the time.

instead of being held captive by my sin and struggles.  I need to be captivated by the Gospel.  but also know that I can’t do it.  Christ help me.

windy city redemption

I went to Chicago two weeks ago as a chaperone.  The kids were going to a ModelUN conference.  It was an…interesting trip.

We took the train from Charlottesville to Chicago.  That is one heck of a train ride let me tell you.  I figured I would bring tons of papers to check for the ride up because it was going to take about 21 hours.  Well…on the train ride up and back I checked 2 papers…out of about 70.  But it was totally worth it because instead of sitting in my seat and doing work, I had the awesome opportunity to hang out with kids almost the whole time.  We arrived in Chicago, checked into the hotel, had a great lunch, had a relaxing afternoon and the students got ready to go to committee.  I got to have dinner with one of my good friends from camp.  It was a great first day…

…late that night/extremely early the next morning, a series of events happened that made me feel like I was caught in some kind of dream…or nightmare if you will.  A couple students made some really bad decisions that led to panic, which led to more bad decisions.  The course of events that night will have lasting consequences and repercussions. 

I do not know if it is ironic or not that probably the most tears came from the chaperones rather than the students.

Through the course of events, some students that were not directly involved with the situation were treated unjustly. 

I know I am not being clear about what happened, but I can be clear as to some of the things that I learned throughout the whole trip:

• we live in a world that does not show grace and mercy often, but thank you Jesus (literally) that we serve a God that does show grace and mercy often.  in fact it is renewed every morning though we so do not deserve it at all
• redemption is a beautiful thing.  though the beginning of the trip was awful, God totally redeemed the rest of the trip.  I got to spend time with some kids that had what transpired not happen, I wouldn’t have had that amazing opportunity to spend time with them.  and with what happened to the two students, God is redeeming things in them they didn’t think possible, but are thankful that they are being worked out.
• God is working this out for good.  it is giving us as a faculty a more open playing field when discussing with the students about making good decisions

It never ceases to amaze me how God turns what seems to be the worst circumstances into something to be fully redeemed. 

God is so good!

taking a bite out of chapel

Chris Short did the chapel talk at school 2 weeks ago.  Here are a couple soundbites of his talk:

“I like the baby Jesus best” – when talking about how we tend to mold Jesus into who we want Him to be.  We often ignore who Jesus really is and make Him into the Jesus that fits what we want and what we do.

“I won’t eat a 1% poop brownie and neither will God” – he was talking about that if someone offered us brownies that only had 1% poop, would we eat it?  He connected it to the fact that it doesn’t matter if we only have 1% sin in us, God cannot tolerate sin. 

“Hammy the radical hamster” – talking about his hamster Hammy that would always escape and head for the fireplace.  He had a one track mind.  Plus he would crawl along the baseboard and take the long way even though if he cut across and take a straight shot across the room.  He connected this to when we have a one track mind, though something may be better for us, we tend to try to take our own way.

The response from the kids was really great.  It was probably the most attentive the kids have been in Chapel for a long time. 

…plus it made me say out loud whether or not I was thinking it…I refuse to eat a 1% brownie.

Where are you?

I’m finishing up the rest of the Old Testament overview with my kids this week.  They have a test on Friday…dun dun duuuuunnnnn.  As we were going over their note sheet and reviewing what they should write down in some of the blanks I was reminded myself of something…

Genesis 3…the Fall.  Asking my students, to make sure they got a huge theme, what is God’s initial reaction?…Where are you?  God pursues Adam and Eve.

Pursuit.

Since school and volleyball started, I’ve hit the ground running.  From lesson planning, to teaching, to practices, to games and tournaments, and not to mention long trips for weekends of weddings…I’ve been a little busy.  My day goes from pillow, to Covenant activities, back to my pillow.  Losing touch with friends, and with Jesus…despite the fact that I’m teaching the Bible.  And also realizing that what I had feared that would happen with taking seminary classes was happening, buy becoming more of an intellectual with my faith as opposed to continue being my heart-heavy self.  I was so focused on getting the ‘information’ right.  Making sure I was teaching my kids the ‘right stuff.’  But by doing this, I was ignoring the fact that as I was teaching it, I should have had the heart where I too was meeting Christ in the process.

But, by just going over that one blank on the sheet of notes, I was reminded that He still is pursuing me.  No matter how busy I make myself, He still comes after me.  Man I don’t freaking deserve it, but He does it.  His mercy and and grace – unbelievable. 

Where are you?

WOOT!

I’VE GOT A LITTLE JOBBY GUY!!!!

I’M GOING TO BE A TEACHER!!

I’m going to be teaching 9th grade Bible at the same school where I am coaching volleyball.  Craziness.

Hey God, there you go again always being faithful…every single time…despite my worrying and doubting.  Great is your faithfulness despite everything I do and everything I am

making my lungs pink

well kids, the Fellows program is officially over.  9 months of crazy scheduled life…done.

well, sorta.

Technically it is done and over with for the 5th class of Trinity Fellows, but the time that it is going to take to be able to process everything that has gone on these past 9 months is probably going to be endless.  Though I feel like I’ve learned so much about the gospel, scripture, the role of the church, the way I see the world and endless other things (which I can place no value on at all)…sometimes I feel like I’m sort of in the same place that I was a year ago.

The Fellows Program has a lot of little phrases that they use to describe what the year will look like:

“It’s like drinking out of a firehose”

“These 9 months will be a sprint to make your lungs pink for the marathon of life that lies ahead”

…how about them apples huh.  Well though I feel more equipped in being thoughtful about things, I’m not so sure if I feel any more equipped for making decisions in my life as to what I’m supposed to do, where God wants me or anything like that.  I know I know, just trust in God’s plan for me.  Which I’m doing much better at not freaking out or worrying my face off, but I still feel like I did at the end of my senior year.  What am I supposed to do in the fall?  Where is my life headed?  I’m not going to lie, but I came into this year thinking that I would know what I wanted to do and what I was supposed to do at the end of the program…apparently that was silly of me to assume that.

I do feel like I’m handling the worrying over those big decision better though…or I guess I should say that I’m casting more of those worries off of myself and onto Christ…which is a big difference from last year.  Where at the drop of a hat I would be bawling in 5 seconds over what to do with my life.

One of the things that I really do trust in is the fact that God is continually working in me and the times when its ridiculously rough are the times that I have to remember that sanctification is a looooooong process.  The refiner’s fire hurts.  But in the end it is a beautiful process and I’m learning to keep trusting in that.

I finally grew a set

Well…not literally, but figuratively and spiritually…while still maintaining my femininity…Josh is thankful for that. 

I had been toying/meditating with the idea of teaching.  But had always wondered how I would go about it considering that I do not have a degree in education…I felt like my own musical number from ‘Avenue Q’…instead of “What do you do with a BA in English”…it was international politics.  Ohhh liberal arts, how you make it so much easier on us in college, til we get slapped in the face afterwards when there is little we can do with our degrees without going to grad school or 15 years of previous experience…wonderful!

Well anyways…little ranty there…oops!  There is a school in Charlottesville called ‘The Covenant School.’  From the name, you can probably assume…we all know what happens when you assume…but you’re most likely right…it’s a private Christian school.  My host brother John, and a lot of the kids in youth group go to Covenant.  The nice thing about private schools is that they don’t require you to have a teaching certificate…::fist pump:: 

I had been thinking about applying there since…um…January.  However, there was the little voice that kept telling me, “you’re not going to get it” “you’re not qualified” “why would they hire you over someone else?”  The crappy thing is that I actually listened to that little voice for a while.  I let it get to me and paralyze me…I also let myself procrastinate on turning in all the papers. 

After praying about it, and having Jesus help me dropkick that voice in the larynx…I manned up, put some final touches on my resume and cover letter, finished the 8 page application (phew) and sent that fatty of an envelope in the mail today.  It’s all in Jesus’ hands now.  I’m already going to be coaching JV girls’ volleyball and assistant coaching Varsity in the fall, which I am super pumped about.  The possibility of working at Covenant makes me excited too.  There’s a lot of kids at Covenant that could care less about Jesus because their parents didn’t want to send them to public school, they just don’t have a relationship with him at all, or they’ve become complacent in their faith.  I’m excited to shake things up a bit for the kingdom if it’s where God wants me.

I’m mad that I let Satan get to me in the form of that little voice depreciating my worth, which is in Christ alone.  I give this situation to Jesus.  I put myself out there.  Wherever the Lord wants me He will have me, because that’s where I want to be.  We’ll see what happens…

I encourage you to ‘grow a set’ in faith!