I’m finishing up the rest of the Old Testament overview with my kids this week. They have a test on Friday…dun dun duuuuunnnnn. As we were going over their note sheet and reviewing what they should write down in some of the blanks I was reminded myself of something…
Genesis 3…the Fall. Asking my students, to make sure they got a huge theme, what is God’s initial reaction?…Where are you? God pursues Adam and Eve.
Pursuit.
Since school and volleyball started, I’ve hit the ground running. From lesson planning, to teaching, to practices, to games and tournaments, and not to mention long trips for weekends of weddings…I’ve been a little busy. My day goes from pillow, to Covenant activities, back to my pillow. Losing touch with friends, and with Jesus…despite the fact that I’m teaching the Bible. And also realizing that what I had feared that would happen with taking seminary classes was happening, buy becoming more of an intellectual with my faith as opposed to continue being my heart-heavy self. I was so focused on getting the ‘information’ right. Making sure I was teaching my kids the ‘right stuff.’ But by doing this, I was ignoring the fact that as I was teaching it, I should have had the heart where I too was meeting Christ in the process.
But, by just going over that one blank on the sheet of notes, I was reminded that He still is pursuing me. No matter how busy I make myself, He still comes after me. Man I don’t freaking deserve it, but He does it. His mercy and and grace – unbelievable.
The 25th was the first day of school for Covenant. http://www.covenantschool.org/ I like it so much like I said before. I feel like I need to write down about something that hasn’t happened to me in a long time…like since junior high/high school…because it happened last Tuesday.
Tuesday we started right at the beginning…Genesis 1 “In the beginning God…” I was sitting in on the other Bible teacher’s class just so I could gauge how far I should go in my material. With “in the beginning” we were talking about we have a beginning and an end on earth, God doesn’t, our we as finite beings can’t really fathom what being infinite means…etc. etc. The other teacher drew a line on the board indicating time. Where we are now and many years from now when we won’t be here on earth…I couldn’t breathe.
My hands got sweaty, my heart started racing, I got tunnel vision, my stomach leaped into my throat, I felt filled with fear, and I couldn’t breathe. I hadn’t felt that way in years when talking about time, death. When I was younger, I used to have times where I would freak out, hyperventilate, and have an anxiety attack when thinking about dying and about time. I would scream for my mom in the middle of the night. And other times it would happen when I was in some kind of history class when there’s a lot of concentration of time. And there I was, sitting in Bible class, freaking out and not being able to breathe.
I felt like I needed a paper bag. All I could do was put my head down and pray for Jesus to give me peace and calm my heart. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I end up freaking out about that. I am a believer and follower of Christ. Because of Christ death is not my end. It has been defeated. Does it mean that I’m doubting those beliefs? What is that all about? Seriously woman!
Lord give me relief and security in your goodness. Help me with my disbelief.
Man life has been busy. This whole teaching thing is so much more than I expected. I have a whole new appreciation for teachers…especially teachers that coach. I love my job. Yes I am at school for somewhere around 10-12 hours…but I love what I’m doing. I love my kids and my girls on the teams.
One of the things that I think I enjoy the most about teaching and coaching is watching their faces when they ‘get it.’ When they have those “ah-ha” moments. When you see in their eyes that the lightbulb in their head goes on. I just get so pumped for those moments. The one class we never get through all the material I have planned for that day because the kids in my class love to participate in class discussion. Seeing some of them squirming in their seats with their hands raised because they want to contribute is so awesome…why is it so awesome?…because they’re getting excited about talking about the Bible.
Tuesday, we were finishing up Genesis 2 after it goes into detail about how God made man and woman. Telling the girls that they were God’s finale of creation was so stellar. I could see on their faces that they were thinking about it, and every single girl in each of my classes smiled. Awwwwwesome!
The one class I like alot, but…instead of participating more in discussion…they participate with each other. It’s funny to see them act up and have them think that I don’t see what they are doing. When I call them on it…they seem so shocked. I think they forget that it wasn’t too long ago that I was where they were sitting and at times did the exact same thing. Oh adolescence.
It’s been exciting. I do get worn out a lot, but I was journaling today and just kept asking the Lord to remind me that I can’t do it on my own. It’s impossible without Him. And also that as I’m teaching these kids, that not only would He meet them where they are, but that I would meet Him as well.
so many times we like to appear tougher and stronger than we are…I try to do that way more than I like to admit. I’ve been hesitating to blog about my feelings lately, because
First. I didn’t want my blog to be all poor me, and emo wah wah wah;
#2. it’s hard being vulnerable sometimes…
and C. I don’t want people to respond telling me that the things that I am thinking are a lie, or they aren’t truth…what I’m about to write is how I feel right now. Just honest feelings.
It’s funny. Sometimes I wonder if insecurities ever go away. ever. I’ve also struggled for the longest time with finding affirmation in boys and anything or anyone besides the Lord. This past year I prayed, reflected, sought God to just know more about Him and tried so hard to give these feelings to God. It’s also weird saying try, but giving up to Him at the same time. Praying that I would find my identity in Him, find affirmation in Him, beauty in Him. I also thought that maybe some of my insecurities about myself, my body, just me in general would alleviate some. I feel as if I ride on a constant roller coaster when it comes to my insecurities…not pretty enough, not desirable, not thin enough, not interesting enough, not captivating, not Godly enough, and just plain not good enough.
For the longest time I always wondered why I was single. I constantly wrestled between being confident in knowing that God does have a plan for me and he has someone for me, and ‘what is wrong with me?’
I wondered what was so bad. I had so many friends, people told me “I have a great personality” and all that, but I didn’t understand. Since I was a pre-teen I always thought that I wasn’t attractive enough for someone to see me and just be like “wow”. Because of that I had this idea dreamed up that whoever was going to fall for me, if ever, was going to have to be someone who was like my best friend. Someone who knew all about me, and I would become attractive eventually and there would be one of those “whoa”-revelation moments.
So I can no longer say that I have never dated anyone. For a short period during the time that I was dating, I thought to myself “hey, maybe I’m not as bad as I thought…maybe I am enough.” But like I said, that was a short period of time. That was short-lived because my relationship status has gone back to what I consider…usual for me. Though I know that it was for the best, but in all honesty…now I feel…well, maybe I am that bad…I’m not enough. Maybe even more so now than ever.
Maybe it’s my fault that I feel this way. I had envisioned what and how a relationship would have to happen for me. I dreamed up the “only way” that I ever thought it could ever happen. And that’s how it started. He was one of my best friends. He had one of those “whoa” moments. And it didn’t work out. Now, I know that I’m still young…I know. But sometimes I feel that because “it” didn’t happened the way I only thought it could…I feel like it’s never going to happen at all.
It’s hard. I have so many things to be thankful for. This I know. I feel so ungrateful for those things when I feel like this. I try to tell myself to just suck it up, which I do most of the time, but sometimes I can’t. I just cry.
I’ve never been known to be much of a reader…let alone reading books for personal enjoyment. I have always wanted to be one of those types of people, but either lacked time, motivation, or the ability to keep my drooling passed out face off the pages.
But this summer, with lots of down time, trips to the beach, and with my trip to London, I’ve actually been able to get some reading in which has been quite stellar. Here’s my list so far of goodness I’ve read and goodies I’m hopefully going to get to dig into this upcoming year
Patty Griffin…quite fitting for how I’ve felt lately…
It’s hard to listen to a hard hard heart
beating close to mine
pounding up against the stone and steel
walls that I won’t climb
sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
you think that you’re gonna drown
sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
with all this rain falling down
strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when I’m holding on underneath this shroud
rain
its hard to know when to give up the fight
two things you want will just never be right
its never rained like it has to night before
now I don’t wanna beg you baby
for something maybe you could never give
I’m not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when I’m holding on underneath this shroud
rain
strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when I’m still alive underneath this shroud
rain rain rain
I spent the majority of my last day in London in Hyde Park. The park is huge, it’s so big. It took me forever to walk from one side of the park to the other, and I didn’t even walk across the whole thing. There were sooooo many people in the park. It was the first big weekend for vacation in London, so pretty much everyone and their mom was out that day…plus it was the hottest day of the year in London. I sat there people watching, read “Traveling Mercies”, listened to some music, and kept an eye out for pigeons and other birds (blegh). After a while I also started making a list of things that I saw around me
It really was a great time of rest on Sunday on my last day in London…I didn’t get to hang out with the Queen though, she was a little busy and our schedules just didn’t mesh.
well, today is my fourth day in London. I arrived on Friday…with no luggage, which was wonderful! My bag finally came late last night, man 3 days here without my stuff was frustrating but I’m in London = woot!!!
I finally got to see WICKED!!!!! It was soooo ridiculously good. My eyes were wide open and my face hurt from smiling. It was absolutely wonderful!
Today has been pretty stellar so far. I’ve been really lucky since I’ve been here because the weather has been relatively pleasant. The sun was out and I was actually sweating a little bit…well, I know that’s not a real surprise but hooray for really nice weather. I’m sitting in an internet cafe in Chinatown in London…sounds a little weird but hey I’ve been walking around London all day and it has been wonderful. My back hurts and I’m developing shin splints from doing all that walking in flip flops, but it has been well worth it Things that I’ve done/seen today: Buckingham Palace (while there was a huge band of royal guards playing and parading around this morning) St. James’ Park, Trafalgar Square, the National Gallery (loved the Monets, Van Goghs, Seurats, Renoirs, Degas) Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, walked by the London Eye, Chinatown, Leicester Square. It’s been a wonderful day.
I also accidentally walked through this one area of Leicester square that was blocked off for something special for the premier of “Dark Knight” oops. There were tons of people behind these gates with Dark Knight posters everywhere, people with cameras, the press, all this media stuff. I tried going through to get around, but I walked into the open area where only people with passes and all that other stuff were allowed. But hey, if you act like you know what you are doing nobody really yells at you
It’s been a great day so far and I look forward to venturing around the city even more
…I also have a whole new appreciation for being a Yank bring it on Brits
I’m going to be teaching 9th grade Bible at the same school where I am coaching volleyball. Craziness.
Hey God, there you go again always being faithful…every single time…despite my worrying and doubting. Great is your faithfulness despite everything I do and everything I am
